In remembrance...

They say that the first year after losing someone you love is the hardest. You have all of those "firsts" to get through...the first holiday, the first birthday, the first anniversary, and so on. For me, this year has finally passed. March 25th officially marked the end of the first year without my mother.

The past week was difficult for me for a number of reasons, the worst being haunted by my own memories. My mother's last week was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. She suffered so much and there was nothing any of us could do.

This week has played out like a movie in my head for the last year. Some nights it keeps me up. Other nights it gets tweaked in my dream world and ends differently. Some days I am oblivious to what is happening around me because I am lost in it. Other days I simply disappear somewhere inside our house and have myself a quiet cry.

Cancer is an ugly illness. It doesn't just affect the one with the diagnosis; it stretches it's claws out until it grasps the other people around, and it drags them in. Everyone goes through the treatments, the surgeries, the doctor visits. Sure, the pain is different, but it is without a doubt there.

There is so much that angers me about what my mother went through...the doctors, the chemo, the depression, the giving up, the sense of hopelessness. In the end, it wasn't even the cancer that took my mom away from us; it was the chemo. But I can't stay angry forever. She wouldn't want that and I owe it to my family to be stronger than that.

I miss being able to call her and talk about the ups and downs in my life. I hate that she isn't able to watch Hannah and Eva grow and be a part of all of their accomplishments. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for all of the stupid things I did when I was younger that upset her. I want to thank her for all of the sacrifices she made for me and for everything that she taught me. I wish that I could tell her how much I love her just one more time.

In memory of Patti Cooper, Sept. 29, 1935 to March 25, 2005. God bless you, Mom.

Just say "No" to hoochie-mama shoes!!!!!

A day spent shopping with the girls should have gone so well, right? Okay...so maybe I was a bit too optimistic to begin with.

As rapidly as Hannah is growing, clothes that we just bought her in the fall are already either too tight or too short. Eva's closet is tripling at record speed while Hannah's dwindles every day. Still, I feel guilty just buying new clothes for Hannah, so Eva inevitably ends up with something new here and there. There's no way she can lose! It's a tricky situation.

The same can be said for shoes. Eva's tiny feet have been in a holding pattern since last summer. She fits comfortably in her size 2 and a halfs. Hannah takes after me and is just making the leap to...(I can't believe this!!!)...a size 5! While her old shoes are now waiting in the wings for Eva to catch up to them, she has only one really worn-in pair of sneakers that barely fit her.

Sounds like time to visit Payless. And what perfect timing....it's their "buy one, get one half off" sale! At the rate Hannah's feet are growing, I can't afford to spend a lot on shoes. Lucky me!!! Or so I thought.

Searching for size 5 shoes for Hannah, we found the "growing girls" section. Only, these shoes were for "already" grown girls. No; make that women. Unless they were sneakers, every pair of shoes had a high-heel. Wait, there must be more somewhere else.

Guess again. In my frustration, I examined each pair of shoes labeled a size 5. Heel. High-heel. Really high-heel. Wedge heel. Spiky heel. This was not good. I was starting to feel desperate.

I angrily seized a pair of 4 and a half sandals from the shelf and made her try them on. "My toes are hanging over the top," Hannah complained. "That's okay. They're sandals. Your toes are supposed to hang over," came my snappy reply.

But who was I kidding, really? I decided to talk to the salesgirl. Surely she would have some insight or suggestions for me. This is where things really went bad.

"What's wrong with heels?" she said with a smile. I tried to explain that my daughter was 10 years old and in the fourth grade for starters. "We used to wear heels when I was in school. We loved them!" she answered. "Well, I'm not okay with my 10 year old, 4th grader wearing them," I argued. "Oh, but that's the style." "Not for my daughter, it's not. I am not raising her to be a hoochie-mama." "We have some flip-flops without a heel against the wall," was her last suggestion.

I have since looked around at other stores for size 5 shoes that still look like young girl shoes. There have been some hits and some misses. I just can't bring myself to spend over $30 on one pair of shoes for a child who is no doubt only going to fit in them for 1 to 2 months at best.

But this leaves me wondering...just what are these shoe designers thinking? Don't they realize that a lot of young girls have big feet? Is it that difficult to make those cutesy size 4 and a half shoes in a half size bigger? Is anyone else as frustrated as me? Let's all join together for the cause....and just say "No" to hoochie-mama shoes!!!!