In remembrance...

They say that the first year after losing someone you love is the hardest. You have all of those "firsts" to get through...the first holiday, the first birthday, the first anniversary, and so on. For me, this year has finally passed. March 25th officially marked the end of the first year without my mother.

The past week was difficult for me for a number of reasons, the worst being haunted by my own memories. My mother's last week was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. She suffered so much and there was nothing any of us could do.

This week has played out like a movie in my head for the last year. Some nights it keeps me up. Other nights it gets tweaked in my dream world and ends differently. Some days I am oblivious to what is happening around me because I am lost in it. Other days I simply disappear somewhere inside our house and have myself a quiet cry.

Cancer is an ugly illness. It doesn't just affect the one with the diagnosis; it stretches it's claws out until it grasps the other people around, and it drags them in. Everyone goes through the treatments, the surgeries, the doctor visits. Sure, the pain is different, but it is without a doubt there.

There is so much that angers me about what my mother went through...the doctors, the chemo, the depression, the giving up, the sense of hopelessness. In the end, it wasn't even the cancer that took my mom away from us; it was the chemo. But I can't stay angry forever. She wouldn't want that and I owe it to my family to be stronger than that.

I miss being able to call her and talk about the ups and downs in my life. I hate that she isn't able to watch Hannah and Eva grow and be a part of all of their accomplishments. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for all of the stupid things I did when I was younger that upset her. I want to thank her for all of the sacrifices she made for me and for everything that she taught me. I wish that I could tell her how much I love her just one more time.

In memory of Patti Cooper, Sept. 29, 1935 to March 25, 2005. God bless you, Mom.